I read an article by Rachel Zucker on the NY Times website: “Honey, Let’s Get a Little Divorced.” One thing that caught my attention was Rachel’s wondering why she hears of post-divorce Dads becoming better Dads, and post-divorce Moms returning to set-aside dreams and “finding themselves.” Dad takes charge of parenting more (without Mom’s interventions or criticisms), and Mom becomes more independent, without the Mom-guilt.
Take a few minutes to read her article, and as you do, think about your own relationship, and without judgment, notice where you fall on the spectrum of the mom/dad dynamic and husband/wife interactions, and the idea of egalitarianism in your relationship. Just notice.
Of course there are many dynamics to observe in your marriage, especially when you’ve been together for a while, but these two are often intertwined in a way that lead to decreased personal and marital happiness. I have seen and continue to see couples struggling with this. It builds resentment, and alters our “rose colored glasses” to a dirty brown color; and that is no way to see or be seen by our partner.
You get into a story about each other that keeps you from being connected. Think of holding two magnets in the wrong direction: that push apart that you viscerally know. It happens in your primary relationship, too. And that is one lonely place to be.
The next time you think, or are about to say something, or judge your partner about how he or she does something, PAUSE, and think about what will be magnets pushing away, or magnets pulling toward connection. Experiment with words, thoughts, and feelings that bring you together. Notice how you feel. Just notice, without judgment.