Premarital and Couples: Do you Fight, Flight, or Freeze?

When you are triggered or flooded — i.e., upset or overwhelmed — do you fight, take flight, or freeze? These are the biologically wired-in options for humans. This has made us survive as a species. You need this tool; it also gets in your way in your relationship at times. I often see couples where[…]

Stay Together or End the Relationship? Independence or Interdependence?

Remember, it’s your decision. Not your therapist’s, your friends’, or your family. There are so many factors to consider. Maybe the bottom line is . . . Stay if: -You can make it a safe and healthy environment for you and your kids. -Once, there was a secure attachment, i.e., connection between you and your[…]

Premarital and Couples: Guilt

Guilt is a feeling of regret or remorse for something you have done wrong or badly, or when you have hurt someone. In contrast, shame is “I am bad, or I am not worthy.” Guilt, as with all of your feelings, lets you know there is something to which you need to attend. Feelings are like road signs:[…]

How to Sleep Alone (while in a relationship) — or not!

While it is both impractical and unethical to have a side business selling double beds, it is also very tempting. I see a smaller bed as a tool for you to improve your relationship. Here are snippets from couples about big beds: I am lonely. We are disengaged. My cat/dog sleeps between us. Our child(ren) sleep[…]

Are you Kinder to Strangers than to Your Partner?

Is there a grain of truth to the statement “I am kinder to a stranger than I am to my partner/spouse?” If so, consider these questions: How did I get here? How long has this been true? Is this new for me, or a repeating pattern? How did I treat my partner before? What’s my[…]

Are Female Orgasms the Key to Inner Hunger in Women?

While watching a video about gratitude on TED, I stumbled across a video of Nicole Daedone’s talk about the inner “hunger” in women; truly a cry for connection beyond shopping, errands, mothering, career, etc. Nicole has a book out and a center for sexuality that she truly believes will change the world; a woman’s self[…]

Premarital and Couples: Here Be Dragons!

I wrote about the The Four Stages of Competency, that begins with the Unconscious Incompetent, perhaps also known as our unconscious. Jung referred to it as our “shadow” side — the parts of ourselves we don’t know about, and frankly don’t want to face. When I wrote the back cover copy for my Connect2 Personality[…]

“Who we are . . . depends in part . . . on who we love.”

One of my favorite books is “A General Theory of Love.” Lewis, Amini and Lannon write poetically about love research, and they talk about limbic resonance, limbic regulation and limbic revision. The limbic part of the brain is the emotional brain. The gist of it is this: when in proximity to one another we exchange[…]

Are We the Only Couple Having Problems?

No, you are not. Despite how other couples look to you, you are definitely not the only one having problems. In the same way that you don’t want anyone to know your relationship is in trouble, other couples are doing the same. A few years ago I helped present a two-Saturday couples workshop with Kathryn[…]

Premarital and Couples: Thankful / Grateful / Appreciation

Those of you who are my clients already know that I encourage you to be thankful and appreciative, even for the small things that you expect your partner to do, and to say “Thank you” often and specifically. For example., “Thank you for doing the dishes,” or “Thank you for bringing me coffee in bed,”[…]