Books Recommended by Connect2
Wired for Love
Tatkin provides a straightforward path for a healthy, happy marriage based on the best of neuroscience and couples work; this reading is a must.
Top three tips: 1. Filled with examples of doing the right thing for your brain and each other. 2. Rather than dig deeply into your emotional pasts, Tatkin focuses on the here and now. 3. Create what he refers to as a “Couple Bubble.” Focus on getting your “Ambassadors” (ability to respond) online instead of your “Primitives” (reactive mode). What’s challenging: I can imagine some troubled couples wondering, “How do we get from here to there?” as you read this book. Baby steps. And in combination with other books on this list.
Hold Me Tight
Sue Johnson explains the science of love and attachment in a clear way. She also describes the “demon dances” couples get locked into. Her seven conversations to heal your marriage are wonderful, although some couples find them hard to do without help from an experienced couple counselor. This is a wonderful book to learn a shared language and context for healthy love. A must read.
The Harvard Negotiation Team explains several invaluable concepts for couples. Top three tips: 1. Every interaction has emotional under currents and not attending to them is to your peril. 2. What you say and do is intentional; yet the impact on your partner may be completely different than what you intended — the intention and impact both have to be addressed. 3. People make meaning from all interactions, so whatever you say or do s/he will interpret that to mean [fill in the blank] — probably not what you intended. A very important book for couples.
Getting the Love You Want
Hendrix, Harville (2007). NY, NY: Henry Holt & Co. (Read to page 115)
The 5 Love Languages
This book helps decrease the tension in your marriage. People tend to give to their partner in their own love language (Quality Time, Acts of Service, Touch, Gifts, Words of Affirmation) rather than in his or her love language. Once you experiment in giving in the received love language, it begins to fill your partner’s “love tank” and as the tension decreases, you are more available to work on underlying issues. What might be challenging: Clients tell me parts of the book are cheesy, and it has a strong Christian voice. Take the best of what’s here, and don’t worry about the rest.
101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last
101 Things is a wonderful book to take on dates, read on the couch together, or grab for a few minutes during the day. Use this book to read together and share your thoughts and feelings on the topics. Since you need to spend time together and not talk about your kids, this book of wisdom offers a wide range of topics for you to consider — everything from sex, to money to power and more.
Real Sex for Real Women
Berman, Laura, M.D. (2010). NY, NY: DK Publishing.
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
Schnarch, David (1998). NY, NY: Owl Press
Wanting Sex Again
Wanting Sex Again is a must read, even if everything is as you want it sexually. This is an informative, detailed book, and every couple may have sexual issues at some time or another. The focus is a lot on women with low libido, but there is enough on men’s libido and general sexual functioning that makes this an excellent book. I’ve been looking for a good book to recommend to couples about sex, and this is as close as I’ve found.
Not “Just Friends” Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
Glass, Shirley, Ph.D. (2003). NY, NY: Free Press
When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships
Kirshenbaum, Mira (2009). NY, NY: St. Martin’s Griffin
Psychology & Neuroscience
Taming Your Gremlin: A Surprisingly Simple Method for Getting Out of Your Own Way
Carson, Rick (2003). NY, NY: Quill/Harper Collins
The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy: Building and Rebuilding the Human Brain
Cozolino, Lou (2002). NY, NY: W. W. Norton & Company
A General Theory of Love
Lewis, Amini, Lannon (2000). NY, NY: Vintage Books
Siegel, Daniel (2010). NY, NY: Bantam
No U-Turn at Mercy Street: A Memoir and Resource Guide for Grieving Parents
Anderson, Chandrama (2010). Menlo Park, CA: Connect2
Men Don’t Cry, Women Do: Transcending Gender Stereotypes in Grief
Doka, Kenneth and Martin, Terry (1999). NY, NY: Routledge
The Grieving Garden: Living with the Death of a Child
Redfern, Suzanne, and Gilbert, Susan (2008). Newburyport, MA: Hampton Roads Co.