Category: Pre-marital Counseling
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Body Language and Tone
In “Couple Watching” I wrote about observing couples’ communication through body language and tone. I want to clarify that we can not assume what is going on from what we see. Tone Maybe she’s talking in the ‘tone’ because she’s found that by this point in a given conversation, she can’t get his attention any…
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Couple Watching
I love to do Couple Watching. I was getting in the car recently with the window rolled most of the way up, and I saw a couple passing on the sidewalk. I couldn’t hear any words; only her tone of voice and I watched their body language. Tone Couples often complain about the “tone” their…
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Why Does She Keep Interrupting Me?
Interruption, or Bid for Connection? Are you busy, working away, or engrossed in some project and your wife tends to come in and “interrupt” you with a detail that seems unimportant to you? She’s probably actually trying to connect with you. Remember that we are wired for connection (I know, I keep saying this). Connection…
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My Wife Thinks I am Keeping Secrets . . .
Dear Chandrama, My wife thinks I am keeping secrets from her. I am just trying to protect her. I had a challenging upbringing; hers was protected. That innocence attracted me to her, plus she is smart and attractive and we’re like-minded on many issues and values. What am I doing wrong? Dear What am I…
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I want to change my life . . .
Dear Chandrama, I want to change my life and I’m finding it hard to do. I am scared, and realize that in some areas I am stuck in my ways. My husband wants me to change, too. Any advice? Stuck Dear Stuck, What a personal and universal question you have asked. In “New Life, No…
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All This Arguing . . .
. . . fighting, disagreeing is actually a primal cry for connection. We are biologically wired to NEED a secure connection with another adult (defined as: be responded to with empathy, know we have each others’ back, seek comfort and sex from one another, create a home that is a haven and gives us strength…
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“Everything has a Crack. That’s How the Light Gets In.”
Our marriage is not perfect; our partner can not fulfill all of our needs (yet may fill many); our children are not the reflected best aspects of ourselves – and neither should they be. The goal is for “Good Enough,” and I mean that in a psychological sense, not in a tepid, adequate, “Oh who…
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Love is Sustained by Action; a Pattern of Daily Devotion
“The Five Magic Hours” (from Dr. John Gottman of the ‘Love Lab’ in Seattle) is for those of you who are busy: – Two minutes every morning, eye contact, kisses and hugs. – 20 minutes every evening to talk about your day (10 minutes to talk, and 10 minutes to listen very, very well). –…
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“It is So Much Easier to Believe than to Think; It is Astounding How Much More Believing is Done than Thinking.” James Kemper
James Kemper was an engineer working on the issues of the Mississippi River and its flooding problems in the 1920s. I am pulling this quote out of context to talk about couples, because I see how true it is in my office every day. We lose our rose-colored glasses as we get to truly know…