What do we need to make our marriage last our lifetime?
Committed and Wondering
Dear Committed and Wondering,
Good for you for thinking about this now. Most people spend lots of time planning their wedding, and then don’t plan their marriage. In fact, many people don’t work on their relationship at all! What can we do one thing for and then leave it without care and maintenance? Oh, wait! I have to work at this?
I was talking with a lovely women at the Y who just had her 45th anniversary (congratulations!), and I asked her what the keys are to a happy marriage. Part of what she said: Patience, Communication, Respect. I asked her if by patience, she meant remembering that, “This Too Shall Pass,” and she laughed, and said yes.
These may be qualities that get lost.
After a couple of years the “love hormones” drop off; we’ve been through experiences together and see a more complete picture of our partner (and ourselves, hopefully). She has traits that are not your favorite; he doesn’t act “right” sometimes (which means not how I expected/not how my family would act in the similar situation); we don’t always feel comfortable being ourselves in our relationship (I am not referring to DV here, just being our unique self). That may lead to decreased satisfaction and increased defensiveness.
This may lead to a downward spiral, and the question: Did I marry the wrong person? The answer is most likely, “No, it’s just time to work on your marriage.”
We have the opportunity to grow and learn to change and to accept our partner’s authentic self, while showing up authentically ourselves. That way, we’re sure that when we are loved, it is ME that is being loved (not the mask we wear at times).
Remember, there is each of you, and the third entity, your marriage. You both get to and need to put effort into your marriage.
The upward spiral of increased satisfaction, trust and happiness happens when we learn and implement the knowledge of how the brain works, and learn tools and skills for marriage that decrease defensiveness and increase pleasure and our identity as a couple (vs. just partnership).
Slow down, be kind, explicit, and respectful, seduce one another, support each person’s interests, provide comfort and great listening with empathy, challenge rarely and with the others’ best interest in mind, find out each others’ Love Language and give in that way to him/her.
Check out “Wired for Love” by Stan Tatkin that will help with these tools and skills. Many of them are described here, so peruse earlier posts.
You can create and maintain a happy marriage that lasts a lifetime.
Many people rewrite history when they are unhappy. You were connected, intimate, sexual, and communicative in the early days. Do what you did when you were dating. It will help a lot, and lead to a 40 or 50 year marriage. Put more into your relationship.