June, thanks for sending in your question about plural relationships. Remember that as I am answering, I do not know these people and can not jump to conclusions about their emotional or mental state.
I think the more important question is whether you are happy with your relationship with your son? Are you getting what you need from him and giving what you want to?
You are entitled to feel uncomfortable. Our feelings are there to let us know we need to attend to something, and usually once we do, the feelings pass. It’s okay for you and your husband to think and feel differently about this. In a good marriage, we think together, not alike. Ask your husband to let you feel as you do, and you let him be okay with your son’s choice.
One way I like to think about important issues is this: I am on my deathbed, reviewing my life. What is important? Will it be how many “wives” your son has, or whether you feel loved by him and have loved him well?
You may decide to seek counseling for yourself to sort out what you feel, need, and want to do or not about your son’s plural relationships. And perhaps after you do that for a while you will find you want to go with your son to counseling for a little while so you can talk with him about what’s most important to you.
With that said, it sounds like your son is happy and hopefully his “wives” and children are, too. It is not surprising that you would want him to live a “one man one woman” life since you were raised with “one man one woman.”
You may find the book, “Difficult Conversations” helpful, too, in talking with your son.
Update: June did go and talk with her son and share her feelings with him about plural relationships, and his in particular. They had a constructive conversation, although neither one changed their opinion. He told June “that there are many women who want a man who can take care of their needs, and he does not force anything.”
To see what June posted and the comments on this topic, go to www.paloaltoonline.com and look for the Couple’s Net blog.