It seems so simple. How come it is so difficult to just See me. Hear me. Don’t fix me?  But to see, listen and not fix is harder than to reassure or apologize.

Just Get Me and Love Me for Who I Am

We need to know our spouse gets us. We are competent, intelligent people that can solve a problem.

What we all want is to be loved. We know we are loved by being seen, heard and given empathy. Having each others’ back. Seeking comfort and sex from one another. Creating a home that is a haven.

I know you’ve read this on Couple’s Net before. It’s because these are the basics.

Maybe It’s a Gender Thing?

This is what I’ve seen in my office: A woman tends to want to talk through a problem or issue while her husband listens. She doesn’t want him to fix or give suggestions unless she asks for them. A woman will talk all the way around an issue, until finding her own solution. Her husband is a sounding board. This is how women talk with each other.

A husband generally is a fixing and solution-oriented person. He thinks that if she has come to talk with him about an issue, then he is being asked to fix or find solutions. So when he tries to fix, and his wife gets upset, he is baffled; he thought he was helping.

This may go back to our evolutionary brains. Nonetheless, it can cause a lot of fights and/or resentment, and certainly feelings of being misunderstood on both sides.

What to Do

Sit with her/him. Breathe through your own discomfort. Reflect back what you hear and offer words of empathy (that must feel .  .  .; sounds hard . . .; you wanted it to go a different way . . ., etc.) Just be there, supporting, caring, loving.

Hold back the fixing words. In the end, it will fix your marriage.

For further information on the topic of secure love, see my post, “How Can We Be Happy Again?”

Photo by imelenchon